My Oldest Was an Experiment

Well, what do you know, my mother was right! Very early on, my mother told me that the first child in the family is basically the experiment for their parents. She said that most likely, you make all your mistakes with your first child and that impacts everything from your relationship with them to how they see and value themselves. She insinuated that with each successive child, you make less mistakes and essentially parent subsequent children much better. Having a family of my own, I can now officially say that my mother was right. She also said that I am stubborn and don’t always listen to reasonable logic. Hmm. My oldest son is 10 years old and I can very clearly see that what we have been through these past 10 years has directly impacted him, our relationship and my parenting of his four younger siblings. As I approach the one year birthday of his youngest brother, I can’t help but make the constant comparison between how I treated my oldest when he was a baby and how I treat my youngest. I am in no way saying that I have mistreated my oldest. As most of us moms might attest to, with my first born, I was much more careful about where he played and what he played with as an infant. He rarely crawled out of my eyesight. He had numerous age appropriate toys and devices to encourage standing, walking, devices that helped keep him confined and safe when I had to step out of the room. I took pictures of every smile and every mini and major milestone. I broadcast every cute thing he did to anyone willing to listen. I fed him baby food appropriate for each ‘stage’ and table food was finely chopped until he was probably 2 1/2. I made sure to never introduce eggs and cow’s milk until after he turned one. His first birthday was attended by any and all family within a 30 mile radius. Fast forward 10 years, my youngest son plays with his brothers’ toys because I can’t find any of the three infant toys I purchased for him six months ago. He has free reign of the house and often crawls out of my sight and as long as I can hear him, I feel he is pretty safe (so long as I know the gates are up around stairs and kitchen appliances). My youngest eats mostly all table food that is roughly chopped and baby food was basically a transition between bottle and solid food. He may have been exposed to eggs or milk and I may transition him to whole milk at 11 months. I have electronic pictures of him, but not one printed picture of him (except for his newborn hospital picture). Any information I share with willing ears usually involves which of his siblings he resembles in looks and personality. I am considering keeping his first birthday low key and celebrating it with just immediate family. I also want to make clear that I am not neglectful of my baby, but my parenting attitude is definitely different 10 years and four kids later. While I was uber-careful mom with my oldest, I think that my constant attention and worry over every thing he put in his mouth, or any out of the ordinary behavior fueled an anxiety that has clouded our relationship. He shows signs of anxiety and worry, especially at things his siblings do that I may have raked him over the coals for or given him a lengthy lecture on. My undivided attention to his every move when he was younger and still our only child (brief though it may have been) I think has also put more pressure on him than his other siblings. Being the oldest, he is first to experience everything and the first to break into the next realm of trouble for us as parents to navigate. How he handles all of those things impacts how we handle those issues when they arise for the younger siblings. He is a perfectionist and feels the pressure to succeed at school to set the bar for his siblings. He is very competitive in games and athletics so as to show he is competent and again prove to us and his siblings his abilities. While this may also be an innate part of his personality, I do think his position as the oldest definitely solidifies these qualities in him. I cannot change the past, but I am trying to change my interaction and relationship with him as I evolve as a parent, thanks to his younger siblings who have softened my rigid expectations and relaxed my anxiety to have perfectly behaved kids. My mom was right on in her theory of oldest children. I have learned a lot from my oldest, but now I am going to chill-out a little and try to learn as much as I can about my oldest so that he can have a healthy view of himself and healthy relationships in the future.

Call Me June Cleaver

Most days, you can call me June Cleaver, well, if June wore sweat pants, burned dinner, yelled at the “Beav” and his brother, and let a few curse words slip. June would totally be like that now days right?? If I lived up to the standards of shows like Leave It To Beaver and Ozzy and Harriet, I would be crazy. Batty. Nuttier than a fruitcake. My husband has not seen me in make-up since 2003, I am pretty sure. My kids claim to never have seen me in a dress, or skirt, or dress pants, or basically anything that doesn’t have an elastic waistband and made of flannel or fleece. So not June. My cooking is average. Some nights I may score in the above-average range. Usually that is for my creative use of hot dogs for the third time that week. Harriet Nelson would not be impressed. While I swear on Elvis’ grave that I clean my house and do laundry EVERY day, by the end of the day, it still looks like my house could be a contender on Hoarders. I can just see June and Harriet collectively shaking their heads in utter disapproval. It has taken all my 10 years of being a mother and 11 years of being a wife to be ok with the fact that my life will never be shown in black and white with the likes of June and Harriet or that I will never have a board on pinterest that makes sense or contain recipes with more than four ingredients. All that said, there is one thing I value that I think would make June and Harriet proud: family dinner. Now, given what I have admitted to already, obviously, our family dinner is not picture perfect. Firstly, it is not piping hot and ready with a smile when my husband comes through the door. Getting dinner ready before another adult is present to help with the kids, I have decided, is a completely unfair expectation. Next, my plates cups and silverware are a pretty eclectic collection consisting of items acquired at estate sales, Good Will, some are hand-me-downs, and my “good” china (from Target) that I got from my wedding sometimes gets thrown in the mix. The meal itself, I admit, is usually nothing to write home about, unless you’ve been in prison for the past 10 years. We live on gourmet recipes such as hot dogs and noodles (seriously folks, the recipe is in the name), fried bologna and onions (onions are considered gourmet, right?), and my crowd- pleaser, hamburger helper (hamburger optional depending on budgetary constraints). Thankfully, family dinner is not at all about the actual dinner. In our hectic world and lives, it is the only time my family collectively prays. We have made many the exciting announcement over family dinner, such as “you are going to have another brother or sister!” We have broken difficult news over family dinner, such as explaining the miscarriage of the previously announced baby. There are tears at family dinner. Usually when we enforce our strict rules about sitting on your bottom (not standing and eating), staying at the table (not running to see what is next on TV), and yes, finishing your vegetables, there are tears aplenty. There is also laughter at family dinner. Kids really do say the darnedest things if you really listen to them. Sometimes too much laughter brings us back to tears. Sometimes I feel like I have no sooner sat down to eat my gourmet bologna than I am right back up wiping down the table and sweeping up the corn that inevitably trickles to the floor every time child number 4 heaps his spoon and tries to take a bite. I would say that about 60% of the time, I wonder if it is really worth all the effort that goes into serving a meal 7 nights a week that we all sit at one table to eat together. All I know is that too soon, I will no longer have five loud, begging, pleading, fighting, mischief-making children in my house. I better try to enjoy it while I can.

In Defense of Child Care Workers

Being on both sides of the proverbial coin, as a parent and a childcare teacher, I feel I can provide some insight to the rest of the world’s parents who choose childcare centers for their children. Here is what you don’t know, what the director will never tell you, or what you may already feel in your gut but refuse to accept: 1. Your child’s caregiver DOES NOT get paid what you pay in weekly tuition per child they care for. You may feel that paying a high infant weekly rate entitles you to expect your child’s caregiver to move mountains for your infant. Reality: Your child’s teacher is probably hovering around minimum wage and has limited if any access via the center to affordable healthcare insurance and other benefits (including limited if any paid time off). Many centers do not require infant and toddler teachers to have degrees. These people are living paycheck to paycheck watching you in your stilettos drop off your precious infant and drive away, latte in one hand, iphone in the other, in your current year Range Rover. If the center is lucrative, said teacher is also then at ratio of caring for 4 infants at once. Do not accept subpar care of your child (i.e. not changing soiled diapers regularly, skipping feedings, etc.). However, if there is a hiccup in the teacher’s ability that day to tend to your child’s every cry, remember that said teacher is also balancing three other infants and their parents expectations. Insider Tip: When touring childcare centers, ask what pay and benefits the teachers get. Underpaid and over-worked employees may not be the best fit and burn out quickly, but good luck finding a childcare center where that is not the case. Maybe if enough parents expressed interest in the teachers’ pay, it would persuade administrators to make more attractive compensation packages for their underlings. If you have above average expectations about feedings, changings, positions and times held, then you should probably consider a nanny. In other words, if you expect your child to be changed every hour, have cream applied every changing, fed on demand, and held in a supine position for three hours a day, these are needs better met by someone who is hired to care for your child only. Also, an ounce of kindness is worth a pound of quality care. 2. For older kids, if you struggle at home to get your child to listen to you, develop good manners and be generally good, imagine having 10 of those for 8 hours every day. Reality: Your child’s teacher has been told “no” by 10 kids that day, likely frequently over the course of the day. Teaching manners and respect at home is the best gift you can give your child’s teacher. If you are exhausted with your "precious" spilling and not eating the food in front of them, times that by 10 and that is what a typical day is like for his teacher. Insider Tip: Talk to your child’s teacher and come together on what expectations are reasonable for your child in terms of table manners, what the teacher should expect your child to try (fruit, veggies) and what is unacceptable for your child to say or do when challenged by the teacher. If you throw in the towel and feed your child fast food and junk food at dinner to keep your sanity, don’t expect their teacher to get them to eat fruits and veggies at school. Do unto your child’s teacher what you would have them do unto you. 3. The nap conundrum. Many centers are napping centers, meaning all children are to lay down and nap for a period of time. This allows staff to take breaks since the child to teacher ratio is different when children are asleep. When parents request that their child not nap or take an abbreviated nap, and administration okays such a request, it undermines a teacher’s ability to have rules and structure. Many times, parents will make such a request and admit it is because the child is not sleeping at night. A child care teacher interprets it as the parents do not have the structure and discipline at home to enforce a bed time, or the parent is attempting to put the child to bed early for the parents’ benefit. Either way, it does not give the child’s teacher a favorable picture of your parenting. Insider tip: All children are different and some do not need naps as they get older, however, some do need an occasional or regular nap. Regardless, all children can rest for a period of time and have quiet individual play. It helps develop their ability to self-entertain as well as self-control and provides the teacher an opportunity to recharge her batteries for the afternoon. 4. Sick days and snow days: It is no secret that daycare is a challenge to a child’s immune system, especially in the infant stage. The common rule among centers is that a child must be fever/vomit/diarrhea free for 24 hours WITHOUT the aid of meds, such as Tylenol, before returning to the center. Most parents interpret this as their child can return the following day if they can mask the fever. Teachers understand the need to be at work to earn one’s living, however, teachers also have to be vigilant about the health of the other kids as well as themselves. Part of the reason illness spreads so rampantly at childcare centers is because parents bring in sick kids. Chances are good that once the Tylenol wears off, you are going to be called from work to pick up your sick child. Now you are missing work again, which you could have had more control over if you had taken the day off in the first place to make sure your child was well. As stated earlier, most child care teachers have very limited paid time off and limited if any health insurance. When constantly dealing with kids who are too sick too be at school, the teacher ends up getting sick and they cannot perform to their fullest or it forces them to miss work which puts everyone’s routine out of whack and often ends in a loss of pay for the teacher. The icing on the cake is when parents are visibly irritated that they have been called to pick up their sick child when they are well aware of the sick policy. It looks to the teacher as though you value your job above your child. Insider tip: Some cities do have hospitals that have a sick care for kids too sick to be at daycare, usually run by nurses if you have no other options for your child. Otherwise, if your job does not allow you the privilege to care for your sick child, arrange with a grandparent or family member to step in during those times. When it comes to snow days or days when the center is closed around holidays, there are always those parents who are put out that the center dare consider their staff’s safety in a storm situation or dare let them enjoy a holiday with their own families. Unless you plan to home school, the number of days a child will be out of school for breaks, teacher inservice days, bad weather, etc. are numerous in elementary school. Most extended care programs through elementary schools do not operate during those days. Day cares being open five days a week regardless of weather or Christmas being on a Wednesday gives parents a false sense of security that they will be able to work without interruption five days a week until their children are 18. Child care teachers are people too who have families, get sick, and value holidays. Again, do not accept subpar care of your child. There are definitely people in childcare who should not be, however, many do love their jobs and your children. Take the time to get to know your child’s teachers. If you really think about it, they spend more hours a week with your child than you do. If they try to discuss behavior issues, be open-minded. Do you really think they are out to get your child, or could it be that they are enlisting your help in observing and handling issues before they become major problems in the future? Childcare teachers are not your paid servants, they are your allies in raising your child.