My Oldest Was an Experiment

Well, what do you know, my mother was right! Very early on, my mother told me that the first child in the family is basically the experiment for their parents. She said that most likely, you make all your mistakes with your first child and that impacts everything from your relationship with them to how they see and value themselves. She insinuated that with each successive child, you make less mistakes and essentially parent subsequent children much better. Having a family of my own, I can now officially say that my mother was right. She also said that I am stubborn and don’t always listen to reasonable logic. Hmm. My oldest son is 10 years old and I can very clearly see that what we have been through these past 10 years has directly impacted him, our relationship and my parenting of his four younger siblings. As I approach the one year birthday of his youngest brother, I can’t help but make the constant comparison between how I treated my oldest when he was a baby and how I treat my youngest. I am in no way saying that I have mistreated my oldest. As most of us moms might attest to, with my first born, I was much more careful about where he played and what he played with as an infant. He rarely crawled out of my eyesight. He had numerous age appropriate toys and devices to encourage standing, walking, devices that helped keep him confined and safe when I had to step out of the room. I took pictures of every smile and every mini and major milestone. I broadcast every cute thing he did to anyone willing to listen. I fed him baby food appropriate for each ‘stage’ and table food was finely chopped until he was probably 2 1/2. I made sure to never introduce eggs and cow’s milk until after he turned one. His first birthday was attended by any and all family within a 30 mile radius. Fast forward 10 years, my youngest son plays with his brothers’ toys because I can’t find any of the three infant toys I purchased for him six months ago. He has free reign of the house and often crawls out of my sight and as long as I can hear him, I feel he is pretty safe (so long as I know the gates are up around stairs and kitchen appliances). My youngest eats mostly all table food that is roughly chopped and baby food was basically a transition between bottle and solid food. He may have been exposed to eggs or milk and I may transition him to whole milk at 11 months. I have electronic pictures of him, but not one printed picture of him (except for his newborn hospital picture). Any information I share with willing ears usually involves which of his siblings he resembles in looks and personality. I am considering keeping his first birthday low key and celebrating it with just immediate family. I also want to make clear that I am not neglectful of my baby, but my parenting attitude is definitely different 10 years and four kids later. While I was uber-careful mom with my oldest, I think that my constant attention and worry over every thing he put in his mouth, or any out of the ordinary behavior fueled an anxiety that has clouded our relationship. He shows signs of anxiety and worry, especially at things his siblings do that I may have raked him over the coals for or given him a lengthy lecture on. My undivided attention to his every move when he was younger and still our only child (brief though it may have been) I think has also put more pressure on him than his other siblings. Being the oldest, he is first to experience everything and the first to break into the next realm of trouble for us as parents to navigate. How he handles all of those things impacts how we handle those issues when they arise for the younger siblings. He is a perfectionist and feels the pressure to succeed at school to set the bar for his siblings. He is very competitive in games and athletics so as to show he is competent and again prove to us and his siblings his abilities. While this may also be an innate part of his personality, I do think his position as the oldest definitely solidifies these qualities in him. I cannot change the past, but I am trying to change my interaction and relationship with him as I evolve as a parent, thanks to his younger siblings who have softened my rigid expectations and relaxed my anxiety to have perfectly behaved kids. My mom was right on in her theory of oldest children. I have learned a lot from my oldest, but now I am going to chill-out a little and try to learn as much as I can about my oldest so that he can have a healthy view of himself and healthy relationships in the future.